Tired

I wrote this last week. I thought I would include it here to help those who know me understand what I mean these days when I say I'm tired.

Tired has actually been my main reality lately. This is not like any tired I have had before…I am tired in my bones, in my cells, in my DNA. I fade in and out, lose giant chunks of time. The days and weeks and months run together; days can seem like years, and months can seem like hours. I no longer recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I was exhausted before I started the treatment, and the treatment has been very hard on my body. Truthfully, I am dreading the new antibiotics. I am not sure how much longer I can do this…but being in this state indefinitely is also not an option. Since I can’t do anything about the big picture, I’m trying to focus on the small stuff.

Laundry…eat…sleep…knit a sock…watch a video and sleep through half of it. Try to interact with Lofty, who knows perfectly well when I am physically present but mentally absent. Put one foot in front of the other. Try not to wonder how long this might go on. Realize that another month has suddenly passed, and I am still here.