Week 2

The replacement minocycline came last week. I started it yesterday. Side effects from the week of azithromycin include more diarrhea and a vaginal infection, and each morning when I wake up my tongue is thickly coated with nasty-tasting goo. Dr. M told me to call her if the diarrhea got worse, so I left a message this morning.

Last week I finally hired a helper. Having her will allow me to keep getting food from the farm co-op -- she will pick it up. She's also going to take me on an errand run once a week, and take me to doctor's appointments (and take notes when I need it). These are all good things to have help with -- things that have been either difficult or impossible for me to do on my own for more than a year. Yet...it's a further loss of independence, another step toward complete physical and financial reliance on others. I feel like an ungrateful whiner. I want to feel grateful that there are people in my life with the means to help me in this way, but it's hard when I am losing autonomy at the same time.

Really struggling with depression. More and more, I feel beaten. Seven years of being seriously ill have taken their toll. The treatment itself is physically taxing. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for me to imagine a future when I won't be dealing with this on a daily basis. I think in some fundamental way I am losing hope. I have been having thoughts of clearing out my house...giving away everything I don't use on a daily basis. And, I have been finding myself thinking about death, and realizing that I'm no longer scared of it.

But, at the same time, I have a very strong survival instinct...it's very hard for me to let go. So, I'm still forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. Starting the second new antibiotic was one step. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist to see if I can get any chemical help for the depression, insomnia, mood swings, and frightening nightmares. That's another step. And I'm in the process of scheduling an appointment with a neurocognitive psychologist my therapist found for me, to track the progress of the cognitive changes.

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Dr. M's nurse called back. She is calling in a prescription for Terazol for me for the yeast infection.